Things my Nik taught me

I had to take Alex to the ‘School’ Doctor this morning and, as usual, I had a problem finding a parking space so I ended up parking in a car park.  I parked perfectly within my allocated space, in the nearly empty 3 storey parking house.  After the doc, I got back to the car to find, even though the car park was still nearly empty, and there were hundreds of empty parking spots all around, some idiot had parked his car right next to mine.  When I say ‘right next to mine’, I mean RIGHT next to my car.  Seriously, there was not even 5 cm of space between my side mirror and his!  Of course, this made getting my son into his car seat extremely difficult.  In the end he had to climb over the driver’s seat to get into his own.  I then had to stretch across the car from the other side to secure his seat belt!  I should have listened to my niece Nik!  She parks her car in the middle of two parking spaces, thereby ensuring that she has enough space on either side of her car to make loading and unloading her kids sooooo much easier!

This got me to thinking that I should listen to Nik a lot more.  Here are some of the things I have learnt from my niece:

1. The parking thing!  Instead of parking perfectly within your allocated spot, park perfectly over the line dividing two spots!  This will ensure the ease of kid loading and unloading!
2. Chainsaws are good!  One of the most universal pieces of equipment you are ever going to encounter!
3. Louder is better! And more effective apparently!  A lot of people do not appreciate this, however she is not only disciplining her own kids, she is disciplining the neighbourhood!  A sort of service to the community, if you will.  For example, at the zoo, when her son does something he really should not be doing, she will shout (scream, bellow, break sound records – you know, that sort of thing) “Stop that!!!”  The result?  Not only her son stops, but everyone in the fucking zoo comes to a complete halt!  Even the animals stop what they are doing and pay attention!
4. Sleeping with open eyes is possible!  Scary, but possible!
5. It is also possible to mistake labour, even the final stages of labour, for annoying back pain.  (Of course I have told her that she is not allowed to talk to me about the birth of her first son!  Come on, 20 minutes labour and popping the kid out in the ambulance is so unfair to the rest of us who had to endure more than 10 hours of pain, split nether regions and went from begging, to threatening, to bargaining with the doc just to “Get this kid out of me” – Oh, I might have said ‘thing’ instead of ‘kid’ – but don’t we all?.  However, in my case, the midwife responded by getting coffee.  At first I thought she was quite thoughtful cos I could have done with a cup of coffee, until she dipped a sponge in it and smeared it all over my va-j-j!  I pointed out to her that my mouth was actually up here, and that I would not be drinking that coffee now.  She explained that the coffee actually helped the skin stretch and would ensure that I did not tear too much (did not work!).  My son’s father’s only response to that was “I hope it’s decaf!”)  But, back to Nik:
6. It is possible to open your eyes up to 5 times their normal size!  I have seen Nik glare at someone, and just when I thought her eye lids had reached their limit (by this time they were somewhere in the region of her hairline), she goes and opens them wider!  It’s kind of cool actually, and they don’t pop out! 
7. Piss her off, and it is quite possible that you will discover one of the many uses of the chainsaw!

Best. Dance. Ever.:

D