So, yesterday I discovered yet another reason why it is so hard to be feminine! I, once again, tried to learn how to walk in heels (read: stumbled around in a pair of heels, desperately trying to look at least a teensy tiny bit elegant), while listening to my mom in the background saying things like “she never could walk in heels.” Challenge accepted Mom!
Being a woman is hard work, and being a feminine woman takes dedication and determination! Women got brains and the ability to think (and added the multiple-orgasms bonus ), while men got the brawn, the penis and ejaculation. And that’s it! That’s all they got! But don’t feel sorry for them! They also did not get periods, pregnancies, hormones and everything that comes with it! And they have the gall to complain when OUR monthly cycles mess with THEIR plans!
For example, man plans a day at the lake and when you then have to tell them that, “actually honey, today is not a good day for me to spend out on the lake as I am currently menstruating”, they act like they are the ones who are suffering! Then they’re all: “Oh come on! I was looking forward to the day at the lake with my buddies!” Ok, firstly ‘coming on’ is exactly what led us to this argument, and secondly: seriously, do they honestly think that this is something we are enjoying and have done deliberately to fuck up their plans?!
Waking up in the morning in a pool of your own blood. Bundling up the sheets and blankets and throwing them in the washing machine, before dashing into the bathroom with a steady stream of blood running down your legs. Showering and trying to get dry and plugged before the next volcanic eruption of blood and tissue spurts from your va-jay-jay! You are bloated three (sometimes it feels like ten) times your normal size, you have a lovely smattering of pimples all over your face, your back aches, you cramp, your nipples hurt and you have to constantly rush to the bathroom to change the plug of old smelly blood. That’s another thing men don’t appreciate! How hard we have to work to keep smelling fresh as a daisy while fighting the battle of blood river!
Then you get the “we can go to the lake anyway! You don’t have to swim!” Right, like swimming is the biggest problem!
Then you get the “we can go to the lake anyway! You don’t have to swim!” Right, like swimming is the biggest problem!
The biggest problem is trying to change your menstrual nappy and plug in a public toilet while making sure that no part of you touches any part of the door, walls or loo! I think you will all agree with me that, anything that is going to be shoved inside me, will not be making any contact, direct or indirect, with any part of a public bathroom! Make all the jokes about PMS you want guys, but until you have walked a mile in our high heeled shoes, you will always be the weaker sex!
Which conveniently brings us back to the subject of walking in heels (see what I did there?). So, after stumbling around in P and A’s stunning heels yesterday, I decided to do some research. I googled “how to walk in heels” and found a 6 Step Guide!
Sweet as!
Ok, Step one: Practice, practice, practice! Totally useless tip since Little D-man is getting christened on Sunday, and I have a nice shiny new pair of heels in my cupboard that need to be up and running by then!
Skipping ahead to
Step 2: Start small. I really don’t have the time for this! I have the heels, they are not small and I need to be walking on them within the next few days! I do not have the time to go out and buy a smaller pair of heels to ‘train’ in!
Skipping to Step 3: Choose your heels carefully. I did! I spent many careful hours in the shoe shop and on the internet till I found the perfect pair of HIGH heels! Guess we can check this as ‘done!’
Step 4: Take baby steps. WTF, I’ll never get to my destination like that! I’m ALWAYS late, I don’t have time for baby steps! If I am going somewhere, I am going there fast! These legs don’t pitter-patter, they stride! Big, long strides! My sisters walk like that too! Mom also used to! My dad once told me that he just used to hang onto her arm and flap in the breeze!
Skipping to Step 5: Take small, slow steps (what? You mean like ‘baby’ steps?), do not bend your knees any more than you normally would, don’t put your toes down first, keep your legs close together (ha ha, that’s what she said! Yes, sometimes I am 12!), cross one foot slightly in front of the other and stand with the heel of one foot touching the middle of the other foot, while cocked at an angle from it. Ok, speed reading through the instructions may not be the best idea here! I look like a fucking drunk duck!
Skipping to Step 6: Add cushioning wherever there’s a lot of pressure and/or friction. Like the pressure of my ass landing on the concrete after I trip over my own feet? Because that will be happening, a lot, if I try and do everything listed under Step 5! I’m adding cushioning every fucking where! Knee guards, wrist guards, pillow on the butt and a bicycle helmet!
I am so going to see my ass on Sunday!
D