The wisdom of Dad

More advice from Dad:

• The best cure for a headache is a good crap!
• The best cure for the slight, but irritating, pain caused by a splinter in your finger is smashing your toe with a hammer (at least then you will forget about the pain in your finger right?)
• Nuts, head and toe.  Le Self-defense lesson a-la-Dad.  Basically you start with a swift knee to the groin which will cause the ‘attacker’ to bend forward grabbing his nuts, this is when you follow up by smashing his head (try aim for the nose) into your knee.  Your ‘attacker’ will then fly backwards holding his blood-gushing nose (if you have done the knee thing effectively!) and you end the lesson by stomping on his foot with your heel!
• Someone pisses you off?  Fuck ‘em up!

• Don’t do what you are told and you are at risk of getting fucked up! (yeah, he’ll threaten – and that’s about it!)
• Threatening to ‘rip someone’s arm off and hit them with the wet end’ is a perfectly acceptable solution to an argument
• As is threatening to ‘rip someone’s head off and shit down their neck’ (yeah, ewww…)
• The middle finger is the perfect answer to a lot of questions.
• Most people are idiots (sorry, fucking idiots)
• If you are having government department (or other) red tape problems, write a letter!  (Not sure to who – however, I am constantly told to ‘write a letter’.  Last time I dared to ask who I should address the letter to, he responded with: to the fucking president!  I did not dare ask which president though!)
• Wherever you go, and whatever you do, make sure you leave an impression!  Even if it’s the impression of your shoe print on some fucking idiots head!
• CCCL is a perfectly good term of endearment to call your daughter (I will NOT write out what that acronym stands for!), as is shit-head, crap-head or dick-head... it’s like a serenade really..
• A fwap is an excellent alternative insult for an idiot – the definition of which is: someone who goes around smelling women’s bicycle seats!  Again, eeeew!

• Fuck is one of the most universal, and useful, words in the English language!
• 90% of the population has an endless supply of ‘stupid tablets’
• Treating a woman with love and respect does not make you less of a man
• I apparently have PMS 24/7!  However, looking back at the things my father taught me, I’m not surprised!

Best. Dad. Ever!

D